Top Ten Things to Do During Winter Storm Nemo

With Winter Storm Nemo forecast to dump 150 feet of snow on the Northeast, some of us may be stuck inside for a bit. Here are some ways to pass the time:

#10 Photoshop yourself kissing Bar Rafaeli.

#9 Three Words: Forty-eight. Hour. Tequilathon.

#8 Re-read your New Year’s resolutions and laugh.

#7 Eat two-dozen donuts, a whole chicken, and a small water buffalo wrapped in bacon: pretend you’re Chris Christie.

#6 Tell everyone you’re out shooting skeet.

#5 Dump that dead hooker that’s been in your trunk since Christmas. Now they won’t find her ‘til spring.

#4 Write a polite, well-reasoned letter to President Obama telling him to go drone himself.

#3 Clean. Because there are germs everywhere. Especially in the bathroom. I know I just cleaned this morning, but they're back again. And on the kitchen counters. Don't forget to scrub the part under the edge where the counter overhangs. Dust behind the refrigerator! The broom can’t hold it. She’s breaking up….

(Wait, is this top ten things to do or top ten signs you need to get out of the house?)

#2 Entertain your children with fascinating stories about how much worse storms were in the old days. Before they had the Internet. Or video games. Or fire.

And speaking of fire: the #1 Way to Spend Winter Storm Nemo:
Follow the lead of this gal:

BONUS THING TO DO DURING WINTER STORM NEMO: Curl up with a good book. May I recommend my novel Full Asylum (“Atlas Shrugged with professional wrestlers”). I'm offering a Winter Storm special: download Full Asylum to your Kindle or other reader in less than a minute for only 99-cents. But hurry! This offer ends with the storm. Available at Amazon.com(Sorry to sneak in income-generating stuff. Skeets ain’t free, you know.)

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Top 10 Signs You're at a Bad Mall

#10 Crate and Barrel only has crates; ran out of barrels.

#9 PA system has Alvin and the Chipmunks’ Christmas Song on continuous loop.

#8 Chris Christie lingerie show.

#7 Remote controlled helicopter outside Brookstone armed with air-to-surface missiles.

#6 Tommy Siberia – Purveyor of the Gulag Lifestyle

#5 Other stores are so bad, desperate customers actually go into the piano dealership.

#4 Body Shop sells actual bodies.

#3 Only restaurant in food court is International House of Salmonella

#2 Mall Santa Mitt Romney keeps telling kids to get a job.

And the #1 sign you’re at a bad mall: You find a parking space.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, hospital gowns, and freedom. Check it out on Amazon.com.

Top 10 Ways to Avoid the Fiscal Cliff

As the nation hurtles toward the automatic tax increases and spending cuts known as the “fiscal cliff,” Congress and the White House seek alternative cost cutting and revenue enhancing measures:

#10 Take tax revenue to Vegas, bet everything on red.

#9 Cut Michelle Obama’s travel budget. On her next trip, she can only bring 20 of her closest friends.

#8 McDonald’s Extra Value meals at state dinners.

#7 Put off buying new fighter jets until Black Friday sale.

#6 Ask Romney for a loan.

#5 Sell the original Constitution to a collector; Obama wasn’t using it anyway.

#4 Have Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren open a casino (Get it?).

#3 Botox tax. The CBO estimates this would raise a billion dollars, just from Pelosi.

#2 Charge Biden a quarter every time he says “malarkey.”

And finally,
#1 Let Sandra Fluke pay for her own damn birth control.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com.

Top Ten GOP Comeback Strategies

#10 Next time, campaign in all 57 states.

#9 Honey Newt Newt

#8 New Obama nickname: Ol’ Doodyhead

#7 Chris Christie sumo wrestling

#6 Fox News – now 20% foxier.

#5 Zombie Ronald Reagan – Gangnam Style

#4 Complementary Election Day shuttle for billionaires

#3 Elisabeth Hasselbeck Playboy spread (Be honest: you’ve thought about it).

#2 Dick Cheney’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve

And the #1 GOP Comeback Strategy: GET MORE DAMN VOTES!

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com.