Wednesday, February 13, 2013

The Other Thing Marco Rubio Did

By now we’ve all seen the clip of Marco Rubio taking a drink of water during last night’s GOP response to the State of the Union Address. Given MSNBC’s habit of editing video to make Republicans look mean and stupid, I can just imagine what they’ll do with it. In fact, I made a video of my own with my prediction.

I’ll get to that in a minute. But first: Sen. Rubio did something else last night – he gave an excellent speech. It is unfortunate that the MSM’s attention to his water bottle has distracted the public from the many fine things he had to say. No doubt that was the intent. As Ellsworth Toohey said in The Fountainhead, don't try to understand nonsense - ask what it accomplishes.

Anyway, by way of antidote to the MSM, here’s an excerpt from Rubio's speech:

The State of the Union address is always a reminder of how unique America is. For much of human history, most people were trapped in stagnant societies, where a tiny minority always stayed on top, and no one else even had a chance.

But America is exceptional because we believe that every life, at every stage, is precious, and that everyone everywhere has a God-given right to go as far as their talents and hard work will take them....

This opportunity – to make it to the middle class or beyond no matter where you start out in life – it isn't bestowed on us from Washington. It comes from a vibrant free economy where people can risk their own money to open a business. And when they succeed, they hire more people, who in turn invest or spend the money they make, helping others start a business and create jobs.

Presidents in both parties – from John F. Kennedy to Ronald Reagan – have known that our free enterprise economy is the source of our middle class prosperity.

But President Obama? He believes it's the cause of our problems. That the economic downturn happened because our government didn't tax enough, spend enough and control enough. And, therefore, as you heard tonight, his solution to virtually every problem we face is for Washington to tax more, borrow more and spend more.

This idea – that our problems were caused by a government that was too small – it's just not true. In fact, a major cause of our recent downturn was a housing crisis created by reckless government policies.

And the idea that more taxes and more government spending is the best way to help hardworking middle class taxpayers – that's an old idea that's failed every time it's been tried.

More government isn't going to help you get ahead. It's going to hold you back.

More government isn't going to create more opportunities. It's going to limit them.

And more government isn't going to inspire new ideas, new businesses and new private sector jobs. It's going to create uncertainty. Because more government breeds complicated rules and laws that a small business can't afford to follow.

Now that you've read that, here is, as promised, the Marco Rubio Drink – MSNBC Style:

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

My bestest quotes of all my quotes

I was going to live-tweet the State of the Union address, but then it occurred to me I would actually have to listen to it. So instead, I spent the time tweeting the best quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - or at least the ones that fit into 140 characters.

Here's the complete collection:

Buffy Tweet
Buffy Tweet
Buffy Tweet
Buffy Tweet

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Monday, February 11, 2013

News from the Asylum - Monday Edition

Ouch. According to the CDC, teen births hit a record low. I should hope so. It must be quite an ordeal for the mother to give birth to a teenager. baby
Photo source: Wikipedia
SOTU
Photo source: White House photo
Not listening. Reuters reports that according to a Quinnipiac University poll, "Americans are eager to hear President Barack Obama address the U.S. economy and federal deficit in his State of the Union speech on Tuesday." Meanwhile, in Washington, the president is putting the finishing touches on his speech, which will focus on gun control, immigration, and how he got Charles Dorner.
Tragic day. The New York Post reports, "The distillery behind Maker’s Mark bourbon is reducing the amount of alcohol to meet a rise in global demand, company officials said today."

It would behoove Maker's Mark to heed the advice of Sonny Bunch, managing editor at the Washington Free Beacon. His alternative? Instead of "diluting their product in order to ensure that more people have access to a crappier product," apply freshman economics and "raise the price!"

Maker's Mark
Photo source: Wikipedia
Melissa McCarthy
Photo source: AceShowBiz.com
Film critic Rex Reed is under fire for referring to Identify Thief star Melissa McCarthy as a "female hippo." Reed's detractors have a point. McCarthy looks nothing like a hippo. She looks like a governor of New Jersey.
Iranian Media reports that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's ready to be the first Iranian in space. Does that even need a punchline? Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Space Cadet
Photo source: Composite built from images from Wikipedia
Nancy Pelosi
Photo sources: rantersbox.blogspot.com, The Inquisitr
Senate Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told Fox News yesterday, "It is almost a false argument to say that we have a spending problem," and "The fact is, we’ve had plenty of spending cuts." When told that federal spending actually increased $192 billion between 2011 and 2012, the former speaker said, "Math is hard."
This morning's top story is the announcement from the Vatican that Pope Benedict XVI will resign at the end of the month. The news came as a shock to Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. She thought she was in charge of the Catholic Church.

Meanwhile, anonymous sources at Buckingham Palace reveal that Britain's Prince Charles spent the morning subtly planting news articles about the pontiff's resignation around his mother's wing of the palace.

Pope Benedict XVI
Photo source: Wikipedia
News from the Asylum
In an interview with CNN's "The Science Seat", astronomer James Kalirai warned that someday, "The outer layers of the sun will actually reach the Earth, and so the oceans will evaporate and our planet will be fried." In response, former Vice President Al Gore blamed global warming and renewed calls to deindustrialize the planet.

In a related story, President Obama promised to "lower the sun level."

Check back throughout the day for continuous updates.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Friday, February 8, 2013

Top Ten Things to Do During Winter Storm Nemo

Top Ten

With Winter Storm Nemo forecast to dump 150 feet of snow on the Northeast, some of us may be stuck inside for a bit. Here are some ways to pass the time:

#10 Photoshop yourself kissing Bar Rafaeli.

#9 Three Words: Forty-eight. Hour. Tequilathon.

#8 Re-read your New Year’s resolutions and laugh.

#7 Eat two-dozen donuts, a whole chicken, and a small water buffalo wrapped in bacon: pretend you’re Chris Christie.

#6 Tell everyone you’re out shooting skeet.

#5 Dump that dead hooker that’s been in your trunk since Christmas. Now they won’t find her ‘til spring.

#4 Write a polite, well-reasoned letter to President Obama telling him to go drone himself.

#3 Clean. Because there are germs everywhere. Especially in the bathroom. I know I just cleaned this morning, but they're back again. And on the kitchen counters. Don't forget to scrub the part under the edge where the counter overhangs. Dust behind the refrigerator! The broom can’t hold it. She’s breaking up….

(Wait, is this top ten things to do or top ten signs you need to get out of the house?)

#2 Entertain your children with fascinating stories about how much worse storms were in the old days. Before they had the Internet. Or video games. Or fire.

And speaking of fire: the #1 Way to Spend Winter Storm Nemo:
Follow the lead of this gal:

Lady Jane Grey enjoys the fire.

BONUS THING TO DO DURING WINTER STORM NEMO: Curl up with a good book. May I recommend my novel Full Asylum (“Atlas Shrugged with professional wrestlers”). I'm offering a Winter Storm special: download Full Asylum to your Kindle or other reader in less than a minute for only 99-cents. But hurry! This offer ends with the storm. Available at Amazon.com(Sorry to sneak in income-generating stuff. Skeets ain’t free, you know.)

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Happy Birthday, Ronald Reagan!

To commemorate the 102nd anniversary of the birth of Ronald Reagan, take a moment to enjoy some of his famous humor:

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Monday, February 4, 2013

Mayberry, S.S.R.

Last week brought news that 83-year old Jim Nabors, famous for his role on The Andy Griffith Show and Gomer Pyle, USMC, married his partner of 38-years, Stan Cadwallader.

The wedding caused a certain amount of controversy; I’m not sure why. I know what Nabors does is icky, but a person shouldn’t be prevented from getting married just because he’s an actor. Lots of actors are in loving, committed relationships. If I thought about it, I’m sure I could come up with two or three actors who haven’t been divorced since before Christmas.

The Nabors/Cadwallader nuptials led to some snippy celebration in liberal venues, including a Facebook page called The Politburo of Teabilly Mockery, whose profile picture consists of Lenin wearing Mickey Mouse ears. You can’t make this stuff up. The Politburo posted this photo of the Andy Griffith Show cast with the caption “Maybe the conservatives are right. Maybe we could learn a lot from the folks in Mayberry…Andy, a Democrat, promoted Obamacare. Opie grew up to be an outspoken liberal. Gomer just got gay married.”

I was planning to write a diatribe pointing out that it was not Andy, Opie, and Gomer who did these things – it was the actors who played them. I thought it would be a useful educational service to explain to liberals the difference between fantasy and reality. I know they have a big problem with that, which is why their policies never work.

But then it occurred to me that I could not recall any conservative ever actually saying that we could learn a lot from the folks in Mayberry. Just to be sure, I checked the indices in every volume of my library, which consists entirely of the works of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh. No mention of Mayberry. I also checked for The Andy Griffith Show, conservative values on TV, and Otis the town drunk as role model. Nada. I could have tried Google as well, but I had already done almost four minutes of research. What am I, a research machine?

I’m not surprised by the results of my in-depth study – which I submitted for publication to the Journal of Media Sociology and Backyard Distillering. I can’t really imagine a conservative warming to Mayberry. For one thing, Andy Griffith’s character, Sheriff Taylor, was always sitting on the porch playing folk music on that guitar of his. Hippie freak.

Also, he was soft on crime. Did he have any clue how dangerous it was leaving the keys to the jail hanging where the criminals could let themselves out? Once they got out, good luck getting them back: he didn't carry a gun! His deputy, Barney, played by Don Knotts, carried one, but then Andy would only let him have one bullet and made him keep it in his pocket. I’m sure that one bullet was the only thing standing between Mayberry and a total collapse of civilization.

Knotts left the show mid-run – I believe to pursue his dream of starting a berry farm – and I didn’t watch any of the episodes after that because Barney was the only character who was funny. Let’s face it: without him the show was the Family Circus of sitcoms. But I have no doubt rioting broke out in the streets of Mayberry. Also looting. I bet Aunt Bee joined a tough gang of seniors smashing the window on the TV & Repair place next to Floyd’s Barber Shop and helping themselves to that cutting edge 12” black and white set that was always on display. Then Andy, explaining that "You never want a serious crisis to go to waste," declared martial law and sent the fat little mayor with the speech impediment to the gulag. No keys on easily accessible hooks there – that’s how real commies work once the civilian authorities have been swept aside.

Clearly this idea that conservatives want to remake the country in the image of Mayberry is another liberal fantasy. They should get some help with that.

All kidding aside, congratulations and best wishes to Jim Nabors and Stan Cadwallader as they move into the next phase of their life.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com

Friday, February 1, 2013

The Land of Oz meets the Book of Genesis

Book Review: The Lost Dragoneer (The Chronicles of Susah, Book Two)
The Bible doesn’t tell us much about the centuries that span from Adam to Noah. Adam’s surviving sons, Seth and Cain, go their separate ways and then, in the words of Spencer Tracy’s character in Inherit the Wind, the book “goes into a lot of ‘begats.’ ‘And Aphraxad begat Salah; and Salah begat Eber’ and so on.” Lamech begets Noah, but before we get to the ark and the Flood, we're told (Genesis 6.4):

"There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God come in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown."

It's an intriguing passage, but sadly lacking in detail. Recently, author C.D. Sutherland has stepped in to fill the gaps. The Chronicles of Susah transports us to a world with all the elements of other magical lands like Oz or the Harry Potter universe: a gifted protagonist, a dangerous journey, a wise old mentor, and of course, giants in the earth.

The Lost Dragoneer is the second and most recent installment in the series. Susah, the daughter of Noah, has little interest in her father’s insane boat building project. She has left home and put her ability to control animals with her mind in the service of the Dragoneer Corps, a sort of dragon-powered air force for the nation of Sethica. As The Lost Dragoneer opens, the Sethicans have just won an epic battle against an army of ogres. It is a bittersweet victory for Susah, however. Most of the dragons are dead or dying and Susah must rebuild the corps. Locating and taming wild dragons is the easy part, though. Susah must also confront vicious ogres, bloodsucking trolls, temptation by Satan, and her own vanity.

Politically, Susah’s world has much that is familiar. The story takes place in a time of transition. The old system of tribal government has given way to a Council of Elders, which spends most of its time taxing and regulating – and undermining the military. Much of what we learn about the political situation comes from the hotel owner Keenan. When Susah tells him how lovely his hotel is, he replies proudly, in a pointed reference to President Obama, “I built it.”

But it’s the way Sutherland intertwines his tale with the Bible that is the unique feature of The Lost Dragoneer. “I began with the Scriptures,” he explained to me. “Anything in black in white must remain and is off-limits to alterations in my story telling. Using that approach, everything between those gaps are gray-areas and by definition free-game for my extreme fiction. After some of my fans started calling my first book Antediluvian Steampunk, I agreed the term is more descriptive than just ‘Religious Sci/Fi Fantasy'”

Sutherland says that some religious traditionalists have chafed at the technology that he injects into Biblical times: there are blasters as well as swords, skyscrapers as well as castles. Nevertheless, I think most Jews and Christians will appreciate the familiar people and places from the core of their faith. Everyone, even jaded atheists such as myself, will appreciate the captivating story.

Based on some internal chronology, I reckon that The Lost Dragoneer takes place 80 years before the rains start to fall and the animals come on by twosies-twosies. That affords ample opportunities for sequels: I look forward to many more installments in The Chronicles of Susah.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com