#10 Crate and Barrel only has crates; ran out of barrels.
#9 PA system has Alvin and the Chipmunks’ Christmas Song on continuous loop.
#8 Chris Christie lingerie show.
#7 Remote controlled helicopter outside Brookstone armed with air-to-surface missiles.
#6 Tommy Siberia – Purveyor of the Gulag Lifestyle
#5 Other stores are so bad, desperate customers actually go into the piano dealership.
#4 Body Shop sells actual bodies.
#3 Only restaurant in food court is International House of Salmonella
#2 Mall Santa Mitt Romney keeps telling kids to get a job.
And the #1 sign you’re at a bad mall: You find a parking space.
Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, hospital gowns, and freedom.