Top 10 Signs You're at a Bad Mall

#10 Crate and Barrel only has crates; ran out of barrels.

#9 PA system has Alvin and the Chipmunks’ Christmas Song on continuous loop.

#8 Chris Christie lingerie show.

#7 Remote controlled helicopter outside Brookstone armed with air-to-surface missiles.

#6 Tommy Siberia – Purveyor of the Gulag Lifestyle

#5 Other stores are so bad, desperate customers actually go into the piano dealership.

#4 Body Shop sells actual bodies.

#3 Only restaurant in food court is International House of Salmonella

#2 Mall Santa Mitt Romney keeps telling kids to get a job.

And the #1 sign you’re at a bad mall: You find a parking space.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, hospital gowns, and freedom. Check it out on Amazon.com.