Friday, September 28, 2012

Today's News: Apple Apologizes, Jimmy Hoffa is still missing, and Newt Gingrich offers advice.

The CEO of Apple apologized today for faulty maps in its iOS6 mobile operating system. On hearing the news, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney immediately bought President Obama a new iPhone with a map to next week’s debate.

Hong Kong real estate tycoon Cecil Chao has offered $65M to any man who marries his gay daughter, Gigi. In a related story, San Francisco real estate tycoon Paul Pelosi is offering $100M to any man who marries his straight wife, Nancy.

CNN reported that a Mormon woman has started a grassroots movement for a day of prayer and fasting to support Mitt Romney. In a clarification, she explained that while the prayers are heartfelt, she had to fast because of rising grocery costs.

After failing to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa under a shed in Roseville, Michigan today, the FBI received a new tip that the remains of the former Teamsters chief were located with Obama’s foreign policy strategy. Unfortunately, no one has been able to find that either.

During an interview on CNN’s The Situation Room, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich offered a harsh assessment of the Romney campaign. Mr. Romney replied through a spokesman that he would be happy to listen to political advice from the man he beat decisively in the primaries.

In response to new allegations that she practiced law without a license, on top of her previous unsubstantiated claim of Native American ancestry, Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren said, “Next week I’m going to be a fireman, a princess, and a ballerina.”

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on

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