Top Ten Additional Obama Executive Orders

President Obama released his much-hyped executive gun control orders today, and they were a big anti-climax: piddling initiatives like “Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers” and “Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign.” The president will have to wait on Congress for the big stuff like banning “assault weapons” (good luck with that, Barry).

Well, piddling is what Obama does best. No doubt he’ll do more of it. Here then are my predictions for Top Ten Additional Obama Executive Orders:

#10 Income tax audit for that guy that was mean to him in 10th grade.

#9 Michelle Obama fat jokes now punishable by six years in Leavenworth.

#8 New Obamacare mandate: extra-large suppositories

#7 White House staff to be issued those cool Che Guevara hats.

#6 Raise the ethical standards of the administration by appointing new cabinet secretary Lance Armstrong.

#5 In order to receive federal education funds, school districts must replace Pledge of Allegiance with Obama National Anthem

#4 If Congress doesn’t raise the debt ceiling, no dessert.

#3 In honor of Elizabeth Warren, September is now National Fake Indian History Month.

#2 Twenty percent increase in Snausages for Piers Morgan.

And the #1 Additional Obama Executive Order…
Special 150% tax bracket for all citizens named “Rush.”

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com.

Top 10 Ways to Avoid the Fiscal Cliff

As the nation hurtles toward the automatic tax increases and spending cuts known as the “fiscal cliff,” Congress and the White House seek alternative cost cutting and revenue enhancing measures:

#10 Take tax revenue to Vegas, bet everything on red.

#9 Cut Michelle Obama’s travel budget. On her next trip, she can only bring 20 of her closest friends.

#8 McDonald’s Extra Value meals at state dinners.

#7 Put off buying new fighter jets until Black Friday sale.

#6 Ask Romney for a loan.

#5 Sell the original Constitution to a collector; Obama wasn’t using it anyway.

#4 Have Massachusetts Senator-elect Elizabeth Warren open a casino (Get it?).

#3 Botox tax. The CBO estimates this would raise a billion dollars, just from Pelosi.

#2 Charge Biden a quarter every time he says “malarkey.”

And finally,
#1 Let Sandra Fluke pay for her own damn birth control.

Michael Isenberg is the author of Full Asylum, a novel about politics, freedom, and hospital gowns. Check it out on Amazon.com.